


someone as lost as you

by invoked_duplicity



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Also the Empire Kids are their usual awkward and wonderful selves around each other, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Misunderstandings, Practice Kissing, Protective Jester, This Just In Beau And Jester Are Stupidly In Love With Each Other And Feel Guilty For Their Feelings, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 02:52:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18086069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/invoked_duplicity/pseuds/invoked_duplicity
Summary: Jester asks Beau about her first kiss. The conversation leads to a question Beau didn't expect.





	someone as lost as you

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a short prompt fill on tumblr (which is why it can partially also be found in my Deck Of Many Things) and then got a bit out of hand. I've been in a slump with my writing for some time now, but these two cuties managed to pull some fluff out of me, so I'm grateful. 
> 
> Come by and say hi on tumblr @ invoked-duplicity :)

"Beau," Jester asks out of the blue one night on watch, "what was your first kiss like?"

Beau turns her head to look at Jester’s face in the dying light of the fire they made in the middle of their camp. She doesn’t have to think too long about why Jester wants to know this.

Beau knows that Fjord saved Jester from drowning. Jester admitted to Beau that it was her very first kiss, though Beau feels like this shouldn’t count as a first kiss. It wasn’t intended as one, Jester was dying, and just pressing your mouth to another person’s lips to breathe air into their lungs doesn’t count as a kiss in Beau’s book.

But to Jester, it meant something. Because it was the first one. And it was Fjord who did it. So Beau swallows all her comments and clears her throat. She hopes that she can take some of the rough edges out of her voice.

“Oh you know. It was. Something, I guess. Her name was Maddie Hawthorne. She was a. Well. Like a neighbor. We were sixteen and uh. I snuck out of the house to meet her in the wine fields. It was ok as far as first kisses go. Lots of teeth clacking. Bit wet. We didn’t really know what we were doing, you know.”

Jester giggles at those last descriptions and Beau grins.

“And did you kiss many girls since then?”, Jester wants to know.

Beau considers lying out of habit, but she clears her throat again and leans back a bit.

“Nah. Like… maybe three. And Keg was one of ‘em.”

“She seemed very cool. You know, with that stubble and all the weapons and stuff.”

“Yeah. She was pretty cool.”

Jester goes quiet for a while as if she tries to recall the exact ways in which Keg was cool–Beau thinks of Keg quite often and rather fondly–and when she speaks again her voice is surprisingly small.

“Do you think I would be a bad kisser?”

Beau thinks of the countless times Jester has joked about having seen countless dicks before, having experiences galore. Another layer of Jester’s giddy, happy exterior peeled away in the dark of the night.

“No. Why would you think that?”

Jester shrugs and tries for a smile but it falls short.

“I don’t know. Aren’t most people bad kissers when they haven’t tried it enough?”

Beau considers.

“I mean. It’s not wrong to suck at the beginning? It’s a first kiss with another person anyway, everyone kisses differently, you know? So you have to practice together to get good at it. And when you kiss another person, it’s a new first kiss again, I guess. I mean. To be honest, if you don’t bite the other person’s tongue or just drool all over their face you’re good.”

Jester giggles again, this time a bit louder and she adjusts herself in her bedroll, considering Beau’s words.

“So, um. You know, would you–I trust you and I think you would tell me if it was terrible but it wouldn’t be bad because then you could also tell me how to do it better, you know?”

Beau blinks and her eyes flicker over to Jester who now worries her bottom lip with her teeth and pokes some moss on the ground beside her.

“You want me to kiss you?”, Beau asks, her voice a bit hoarse all of a sudden. Jester is very pretty and none of Beau’s kisses meant anything more than just kissing.

Kissing Jester would definitely mean more.

“Well, you know, only if you want to.”

Beau thinks about telling Jester that her heart flutters whenever Jester hugs her or smiles at her, but that isn’t what Jester wants to hear. Or what she needs.

“I mean. You’re very pretty. Anyone would be lucky to kiss you”, Beau says and flashes Jester a grin and Jester answers in kind, her face now a bit more relaxed.

“Ok. So it’s a date”, Jester whispers conspiratorially. Beau feels her insides tighten.

“It’s a date”, she answers. 

~*~

During the following three days, Beau can feel Jester watching her. It makes the hairs on her neck stand up and her insides tingle but she tries not to let anything show. The thought of kissing Jester as soon as they have some time alone is ever present in her mind, like a buzzing sound at the edge of her brain that won’t go away.

It’s at the same time exhilarating and terrifying.

Because while Jester might view this as friendly kissing practice, Beau has a big problem. A problem in the form of an inappropriate crush on her best friend–and Beau’s never had a best friend before.

Or any friend for that matter.

And Jester is such a wonderful presence in a life that, for the most part, has been fucking miserable. So Beau refuses to let some silly feelings get in the way of this. Because Jester wants to practice kissing with Beau so she can kiss _Fjord_.

She doesn’t _really_ want to kiss Beau.

And Beau tries to remember that, but it’s hard when Jester throws her conspiratorial and almost heated glances before she giggles and turns away, as if she’s looking forward to it.

On the fourth day they turn into an Inn again after quite some time on the road.

“Roomies?”, Jester asks with a smile and Beau’s heart stutters in her chest before she nods and manages a grin.

“Sure!”

It’s going to happen. It’s going to happen. _It’sgoingtohappenit’sgoingto_ –

As soon as the door closes Jester swirls around and claps her hands together, a wide grin on her face, her cheeks a darker shade of blue than the rest of her face.

“Beau!”

“Jester”, Beau answers and throws her bag onto one of the beds in their room. She has to pretend not to know what Jester thinks about, because like hell is she going to admit that she’s barely been thinking about anything else.

Fuck.

Fuck feelings. They suck.

It sucks that her heart is beating in her chest like a whole band of drummers hammering away. It sucks balls that her stomach feels like a myriad of ants have started nesting there. She throws herself on the bed next to her bag and looks up to Jester who now seems excited as well as… disappointed?

“Do you remember what we talked about?”

“We talk about lots of things”, Beau says and when she sees Jester’s face fall, she puts on a grin and sticks out her tongue, which makes Jester’s face light up again and she puts her hands on her hips.

“Beeaauu! Don’t tease!”

Beau crosses her arms behind her neck and pretends that she’s completely chill.

“Well. You wanna do it right now?”

_Wow, Beau. Could you be any more romantic and sensitive?_

“Well, yes! I’ve been waiting for like… forever!”

Jester simply jumps on the bed next to Beau, her feet tucked away and her hands in her lap. Beau is pretty sure that she hasn’t seen Jester as excited as she looks now which makes Beau’s insides turn over. Maybe she doesn’t even have fucking organs anymore.

Maybe there are living snakes inside her, having a big fucking party without her consent.

Beau sits up. She agreed to this, so she’ll pull herself together and stop being a baby about it.

“We don’t have to, you know. Go all out with tongue and shit”, Beau says.

“Ok. Sure.”

Beau sees it again. Jester tries to be upbeat about this, tries to uphold her aura of general silliness, but it all falls away in the unsure glimmer of her eyes and the way her tail swishes back and forth nervously.

So Beau decides to put her own shit aside, sits up straight and clears her throat.

“Just… you know. Just say if you want me to stop, yeah?”

“Yah, ok. I’m pretty sure I won’t, though.”

Beau hesitates for just a second, then she cups Jester’s face, let’s her thumb stroke Jester’s cheek, all soft and full of freckles that look a bit like stars on the night sky. 

“Close your eyes”, she says, her voice hoarse now as her heart beats somewhere in the close proximity of her throat. Jester shuts her eyes immediately and Beau wishes desperately to turn off the frantic beating of her heart. She wishes that she was actually an expert in this.

She wants Jester to feel good about this.

So she leans forward and gently presses her lips to Jester’s.

Just like expected, Jester’s lips are soft, pliable and she tastes of strawberry candy she ate just half an hour ago. Beau thinks she might just die of a heart attack.

Fuck _fuckfuckfuck_. Fuck.

She feels Jester’s hand on her shoulders, then one of them on the back of her head, testing the short stubble there. Beau feels goosebumps spreading all over her arms, then she presses her lips to Jester’s again. And again.

Then she pulls away.

Jester blinks.

“That was really nice”, she says, her smile almost shy. Because Beau sucks a lot she gives Jester a thumbs up, simply because she doesn’t trust herself to speak.

“Can we try again?”

“Ok”, Beau croaks. It doesn’t even sound like a word. More like sand grinding in a machine.

This time Jester leans forward, so fast that Beau almost loses her balance on the bed and there is that strawberry flavor again that will most definitely be burned inside her brain forever. She’ll never be able to eat strawberries again.

Beau starts moving her lips against Jester’s, slowly and carefully. She’s never kissed anyone like this, so gently as if the other person was made of glass. Usually Beau is all about sharp angles, fast and hard kisses, biting lips.

This is not like a fight. This is more like a delicate dance and Beau feels like she never really learned to right steps.

Jester imitates Beau’s movements immediately, pressing closer to Beau, her hand now a warm presence in the back of Beau’s head, pulling her closer as if to say “Don’t you dare stop now.”.

And hell, Beau never wants to stop. Ever.

Beau scoots closer, burying one of her hands in Jester’s soft hair, the other one on Jester’s cheek again and she just can’t help it. Her tongue finds its way between her lips and Jester makes a sound in the back of her throat that makes Beau’s heart stumble.

She pulls away and clears her throat.

“Sorry. Got a bit carried away.”

Jester looks… dumbfounded. Her cheeks are an even darker shade of blue now, her eyes big and her mouth slightly open.

“Oh. You know. I kinda always wondered why people like kissing so much, really. Because it usually looks mostly wet and um. Like people are trying to eat each other’s face off. But this was very nice”, Jester says and smiles.

It’s a warm smile, a thankful smile.

Beau manages to smile back.

“You’re doing great, you know. Nothing to worry about. You’re uh. Definitely a natural.”

At that, Jester beams.

“Really? You’re the best, Beau!”

Before Beau can say anything else, Jester has hugged her and gives her a kiss on the cheek.

When she gets up to get dressed for the night, she half turns and Beau can see that she worries her lip with her teeth.

“Beau?”

“Hm?”

“Can we try again tomorrow? Maybe with, you know. With a bit more of that tongue thing you talked about?”

Yup. Beau is fucked. Very officially and royally fucked.

“Uh. Yeah. Sure.”

~*~

It turns out that “tomorrow” doesn’t leave any room for more practice lessons. With tongue. Apparently the guy they were shadowing was actually shadowing and playing them the whole time and uses the night of Beau’s existential crisis for a break-in.

Probably to kill them all in their sleep.

While he manages to somehow get past Caleb’s alarm spell, he doesn‘t manage to get past Caduceus, whose sleep is so light, Beau sometimes wonders if he actually sleeps at all or just closes his eyes to think about nature’s many blessings. Or whatever it might be Caduceus thinks about at night.

Fuck all if Beau knows.

When the commotion starts she is awake before Jester, throwing off her blanket und rushing out of the room when she hears muffled curses and a loud banging sound that turns to be the burglar who did not anticipate being attacked by a swarm of mystical beetles in the middle of his break-in.

Beau doesn’t hesitate and crashes into him to go for his throat while Jester, Nott and Caleb come running into the room.

“Nothing gets past you, huh?”, Fjord pants as Caduceus carefully places his staff on his bed and stretches out a long, thin finger so one beetle can land on its tip.

“Oh, well. I wouldn’t say that. It was just a very sloppy break-in, really. I think our, uh. Our guest learned his lesson.”

During the interrogation that follows and Caleb’s seventeen apologies for his failing alarm-spell, Beau almost forgets about the kiss. Almost.

As soon as she looks at Jester—tired, tousled, sleepy-eyed Jester—her heart immediately jump starts into a full sprint, leaving Beau with the feeling that her throat is closing up while her heart is definitely, somehow and impossibly, pressing up into it.

This is terrible. This is the worst thing that ever happened to her. Even worse than almost dying or flirting with men. Which says something, because Beau hates flirting with men and almost dying with an intense, burning passion.

She doesn’t manage to get back to sleep after the ambush. Instead, she stays awake all night, stares at the ugly, spotty ceiling of their room and replays the scene in her head over and over again.

Trouble follows them the next day, when it turns out the guy has three compatriots that do not appreciate their friend being apprehended.

The rational part of Beau’s brain—which apparently seems to have shrunken to a ridiculous, tiny size—knows that obsessing over this kiss and the whole situation she’s in will only end in heartbreak. Plus, she doesn’t have time for this when there are actual, trained assassins on their tail.

She needs to be on high alert.

She needs to focus.

But all she can think about is the small noise Jester made when Beau’s tongue touched her lips. The way Jester’s skin felt so soft and vulnerable under Beau’s touch.

Gods dammit.

“Is everything alright, Beauregard?”

Beau flinches and almost falls over her own feet.

Fuckfuckfuck _fuck_.

“What? Sure. What?”

Caleb caught up with her brisk pace and Beau realizes that she’s been marching ahead of the group for quite a while now.

“You look distressed. I know it is none of my business. But. I wanted to check.”

Beau pushes her hands into her pockets and makes a noncommittal noise. It’s not like she’s going to ask Caleb for advice about. Well.

About.

 _Shit_.

“D’you think Jester’s in love with Fjord?”

Way to go. Smooth and subtle as always, Beauregard. Just fantastic.

Instead of immediately saying yes, Caleb thinks about his answer surprisingly long. Beau is pretty sure that there is no way Jester is not in love with Fjord, but her brain starts circling at the tiny possibility that it might not be so.

 _Even if she’s not in love with Fjord_ , a nasty voice in her head says, _she’ll never fall in love with you. She’s way too good for you. No one would fall in love with an asshole like you_.

“No. I do not think she is.”

“Yeah, that’s what I—wait. What?”

Caleb regards her with a measured, almost curious look.

“I said: I do not believe Jester is in love with Fjord.”

Beau stares at Caleb. He must be out of his goddamn mind. Jester has been fawning over that fucking lovestory for decades, calling Fjord by the protagonists name and swooning about how handsome Fjord seems to be in her eyes.

“That’s bullshit though. She swoons over him all the time.”

Caleb shrugs.

“You wanted my opinion and I gave it to you.”

Beau wants to say a thousand things. That Caleb is blind. That he’s obviously not a people person and cannot possibly know about this. Cannot be right. But Caleb still looks at her and his eyes seem earnest and open. As open as Caleb’s guarded expression gets, at least.

“Why do you—why don’t you. Uh. I thought it was pretty damn obvious.”

Caleb takes his time, keeping up with Beau’s brisk pace even though his breathing is turning a bit heavy.

“I… uh. I talked to her. About him. And while Jester is not the best person to acknowledge her own feelings, what she said was very insightful and reasonable. And it led me to believe that no. She is not, in fact, in love with Fjord.”

When Jester is not the best person to acknowledge feelings, then Beau must fucking suck balls at it.

She repeats Caleb’s words in her head over and over again, staring ahead as if the road in front of her might have answers to all her questions and solutions to her problem.

She buffs Caleb in the ribs with her elbow.

“Ok. Cool. It’d be nice. Um. You know. If you never speak of this again. Ever.”

Caleb rubs his ribs and snorts, but eventually he nods.

“I am rather fond of my ribs, so I will not speak of it again.”

“Good choice.”

Beau turns to offer Caleb an amicable grin, but it’s wiped from her mouth when a sharp pain bursts through her like a thousand needles being rammed into her skin with a sledgehammer. She has no voice, no thoughts, no reflexes left. It all fades to black in the hot, white light of pain erupting on her skin.

Distantly, she realizes that she’s fallen to her knees. Her friends‘ voices reach her ear as if spoken through cotton and while she opens her mouth, only a painful gurgle comes out. The last thing Beau notices is warmth spreading through her and easing some of the pain, while two strong hands pull her into a hug.

Then she doesn’t feel anything anymore.

~*~

When Beau wakes up, it’s very warm.

It takes her a few seconds to remember what happened and realize that there is a very real and very warm body wrapped around her. Also, everything still hurts.

She opens her eyes and blinks against flickering light caused by a camp fire. The soft snoring she hears comes from Nott, the gibberish mumbling from Caleb. She can see a patch of green skin lying a few feet away from her and spots Caduceus happily peeling some sort of fruit.

The person wrapped around her is Jester.

Beau’s breath catches in her throat immediately and she doesn’t dare moving.

Now everyone will think that she’s a little spoon. Which she might be. Sometimes.

Beau still has no idea what happened, but she feels hungover, as if she’s lost a drinking contest against Nott.

“How’re you feeling?”

Beau flinches and turns her gaze to Caduceus who started eating his strange, reddish fruit, Beau is not sure she wants to know what that is.

“Terrible”, she croaks. Less terrible, now that she knows Jester is hugging her from behind as if her life depended on it. Beau’s heart is very much alive in her chest, fluttering like a nervous hummingbird in an oncoming storm.

“That was a nasty spell they threw at you.”

Nasty indeed.

Ugh.

Beau kinda hates magic. She just wants to punch people in the face, fair and square. Well, maybe not always fair, but definitely always square.

“Jester was very concerned. She insisted on sharing the bedroll with you and carried you here the whole way.”

Beau likes to imagine that she doesn’t blush. Really, blushing doesn’t fit the image she tries to keep up in front of people—and herself—but in this moment there is definitely heat rushing into her cheeks. Hopefully it’s too dark for Caduceus to see that.

How embarrassing for her to be the first one to go out like a sniffed candle.

“Did we win?”, Beau croaks. She can feel Jester’s hand on her naked belly, her fingers slightly twitching, as if she’s having a bad dream. Beau wants to pet her hair, but she can’t move with Jester hugging her like a drowning person.

“Yeah, we won. There will be no more assassins, I think.”

Caduceus says it with a warm smile, as if he thinks back fondly on being chased by assassins. Beau isn’t sure she understands Caduceus, but she does like him. He’s weirdly soothing, like camomile tea.

“I don’t think I’ve seen Jester as angry as today. Or so keen on using a healing spell on anyone, really”, Caduceus adds, still smiling warmly as he keeps nibbling on the fruit in his hands. Beau feels heat rising again.

Jester was angry.

And Beau didn’t get to see it.

Fuck those assassins.

“Want me to take second watch?”, Beau croaks.

“Oh, no. You should rest. And I don’t think you could fight very well with dear Jester clinging to you like this if anyone came at us right now”, Caduceus says with a warm smile and a nod before he takes another bite from his fruit and leans back against a treetrunk.

“Thanks, Caduceus”, Beau says and she can already feel herself drift off again, Jester’s warmth soothing her into a dreamless sleep. 

~*~

Beau tries really hard not to keep thinking about Jester that way. But apparently her mind is on a mission to drive her mad with the repeating pictures of kisses, a blue hand on her brown belly and a soothing voice telling her that Jester carried her all the way to camp. 

Jester’s looks aren’t helping. 

After the assassin’s attack, Jester almost clings to Beau’s side as if she could keep Beau from harm that way. Beau isn’t used to being fussed over and it makes her skin tingle and her heart almost combust out of her chest. 

“I’m alright, Jess”, Beau says in the evening, when Jester presses against her side, their arms locked and Jester’s hand grabbing Beau’s finger so tightly that it almost hurts. 

“Well, I’ll be the judge of that”, Jester answers and sticks her tongue out. She doesn’t let go of Beau and starts stroking the back of Beau’s hand with her thumb. Jester sticking her tongue out at Beau immediately makes her think about Jester’s last request about practicing kissing with tongue.

Fuck, dammit. 

They’re sharing a room again tonight, after having reached the next small town with a surprisingly clean little inn owned be an old lady with horns that resemble Jester’s. Beau can feel Caleb’s looks as he watches Jester plastered to Beau’s side and their intertwined fingers. 

Beau barely manages to surpress a yawn. Her muscles still hurt worse than after any training session with Dairon she ever had. 

“Are you tired? Should we go to bed?“, Jester asks immediately. 

Beau’s soul might just leave her body at those words. 

_Should we go to bed._

Beau knows that Jester didn’t mean it that way. But hell, her heart and her brain simply don’t care about rational thought and the depressing truth that Jester only sees Beau as a friend.

A friend she trusts enough to practice kissing with. And all Beau can do is betray that trust with all her stupid fantasies and dubious intentions. She’s definitely the worst friend ever. 

“Yeah, I think I. Uh. I’ll retire for the night“, she mumbles and gets up. Jester apparently doesn’t want to let go of Beau’s hand at all and she springs to her feet, still plastered to Beau’s side as if she’s afraid Beau might get hurt from simply standing up straight. 

“I’ll come with you!“

Beau ignores Caleb’s questioning look and waves a hand in the general direction of Fjord and Nott who seem to be in the process of showing Caduceus the wonders of card games. Jester insists on helping her up the stairs and she gently brushes a hand through Beau’s hair while maneuvring her into bed. 

Beau wants Ioun herself to manifest and just rip Beau’s heart out so she doesn’t have to deal with the constant hammering against her ribcage anymore. 

“Caduceus said you were angry“, Beau says. Jester blinks and cocks her head to the side, then she smiles and almost looks a bit embarrassed. 

“Oh, you know. Those jerks hurt you really badly. I just—“

She shrugs a little helplessly. 

“Well. I wasn’t that angry in a long time. It felt kind of good, you know?“

Beau nods. 

“Yeah, I know. Although I have to admit. I’ve been angry for so long, it’s... uh. It’s pretty cool to feel other things, too.“

Jester sits on her bedside now and looks down at Beau, her eyes roaming Beau’s face with an almost tender look to them. Beau swallows. 

“Like what?“, Jester wants to know. Beau shuffles under the blanket, too uncomfortable to hold Jester’s gaze. 

“Well. Just. You know. Having friends. Caring about them and them caring about me. I’m actually—I’m happy. It’s not something I’m used to. ‘S good. Feels even better than anger“, she answers quietly and a bit embarrassed. 

Next she knows Jester settles down beside her, scoots close and presses her nose to Beau’s shoulder. 

“It really is nice“, she whispers. “Having friends.“

Sometimes Beau forgets that Jester also never had friends when growing up. She lies there, staring at the dark ceiling of their room, imagining how hard it must be to have your life restricted to one room. Jester has a mother who loves her fiercely, but at least Beau got to leave the house and discover the world around her. 

“Thanks, Jess“, she murmurs. 

“For what?“

“You know. For being my friend.“

Beau can feel Jester’s breath ghosting over her exposed skin and she surpresses a shudder while Jester snuggles even closer. 

“Thank you for being mine.“

There are a lot of things Beau wants to say. 

_I’m a terrible friend. I really want to kiss you again._

_I think I’m in love with you._

Instead she says nothing and slowly drifts into sleep.

~*~

Beau should have known that something is up when Jester turns down Caleb’s and Nott’s invitation to go shopping. At first Beau thinks that Jester is still fussing over her because Beau got hurt, but as soon as Nott and Caleb leave, she turns around and regards Beau with a glimmer in her eyes that makes Beau swallow heavily. 

“Do you feel ok?“, she wants to know. 

Beau takes time to test her muscles and joints while her heart stumbles through the motions. Right. For just a second she forgot the arrangement she made with Jester. 

More pracitce. 

With _tongue_. 

Beau’s skin feels as if it’s on fire. 

“‘M fine“, she says eventually and manages a grin. Jester sits down next to her, worrying her bottom lip as if she’s contemplating whether or not she can ask Beau to try again when not that long ago Beau almost died. 

Beau swallows again. 

“You wanna—uh. Try again?“, she croaks. 

Jester’s head snaps up at that and the smile she gives Beau is radiant. For a split second Beau wonders how not every single person on this planet is in love with Jester. It seems impossible to see her, know her, and to not fall in love. 

_Damn girl_ , she thinks, _you’ve got it bad._

After Beau’s assurance that she feels fine, Jester apparently put any fears she might’ve had aside and simply climbs into Beau’s lap, straddling her and taking Beau’s face in both hands. Beau’s heart stops dead in its tracks just to jumpstart with doubled speed. 

Jester is so fucking close, Beau can smell her soap and sweets and—

Her thoughts come to a full stop when Jester starts caressing Beau’s cheeks with her thumps all while smiling down at her lovingly. 

“Ok?“, she asks. 

All Beau can do is nod. 

Ok might be the wrong word. It’s exhilarating and it hurts, but in this very moment Beau can’t bring herself to care, not when Jester is right _there_ and she’s so warm and soft in Beau’s lap. 

While their first attempt started with the soft press of lips on lips, this one is nothing like their first round. Jester just goes for it, already emboldened by their first practice, and presses their lips together while her fingers find purchase in Beau’s shirt and her hair. 

It takes Beau a second to react because her body is paralyzed by the myriad of feelings Jester triggers in her but then her instincts take over and she wraps her arms around Jester before finally kissing back. 

Jester wants kissing with tongue? Beau can do that. Hell, Beau _wants_ to do that. 

She brushes Jester’s lips with her tongue and Jester immediately opens up. There is that wonderful sound again in the back of Jester’s throat, almost a moan and definitely a sound of pleasant surprise.

Beau feels her brain switching off and her body take over. She pulls Jester even closer, lets one of her hands roam free over Jester’s back, her hips and her arms while the other hand grabs onto Jester’s hair to stop her from moving away. 

Beau wants her to never move away again. 

She just wants to keep kissing Jester until they have no breath left in them and their lips are swollen and red. 

Jester is a fast learner. She simply copies whatever Beau does, licks into her mouth, nibbles on her bottom lip, all the while pressing closer and closer, tugging at Beau’s hair and making Beau’s insides turn to goo. 

She wants to flip them, wants to pin Jester to the bed, suck on the sensitive skin of her exposed throat, sneak her fingers under Jester’s dress and—

Beau breaks the kiss. She’s breathing as hard as Jester now and her eyes are probably just as glazed. She needs to stop this. She’s the worst friend for taking advantage of Jester like that, just taking what she wants with ulterior motives without telling Jester that it’s more than just practice for her. 

“You—ah. You’re—“

Jester licks her lips and Beau’s words die. She can’t remember what she wanted to say and the way that Jester stares at Beau’s wet lips makes heat pool in her abdomen. 

Fucking shit, fuck, shit, _damn_!

“Can we keep going?“, Jester whispers. 

Beau tries so hard to be a good person, but in this very moment she fails miserably as she nods once and actually fucking _moans_ into Jester’s mouth when her best friend continues kissing her.

Jester seems even more enthusiastic now, hungrily kissing Beau as if her life depends on it. Beau doesn’t even have to think about the fact that Jester actually wants to kiss someone else this way, because Jester’s hands find their way under Beau’s shirt and Beau shudders before she actually pushes Jester off her lap, only to pin her to the mattress with her whole body. 

Jester’s pupils are blown wide, making her eyes seem almost black. Her lips are wet and slightly parted and her cheeks are dark blue when she looks up at Beau. 

“Fuck—I—fuck.“

Beau wants to tear Jester’s dress off of her. She wants Jester to look at her like this and _mean_ it. 

She scrambles off of Jester and stands up hastily. 

“Sorry, I. Um. That was... sorry. I shouldn’t have—“

And suddenly she can’t take it anymore and flees from the room, leaving Jester behind on the bed. It feels like her heart stays behind there as well as she rushes down the stairs and storms out into the rain. 

Dammit. 

_Way to ruin everything good that ever happened to you, Beauregard._

~*~

After just two minutes of standing in the cold rain, Beau decides that this is not the kind of person she wants to be. Running away from her problems, running away from _Jester_. Gods, what must she be thinking now, with Beau just storming off like that.

She doesn’t give herself time to hesitate when she stands in front of the door again, drenched to the bone after just two minutes outside. 

What if Jester doesn’t want to be her friend anymore? What if it makes her terribly uncomfortable? What if she can’t forgive Beau for taking advantage of her like that? 

Beau knows that if she stays inside her head for too long, she’ll lose the little courage she built up to come to this door again. So the only solution is rash actions. 

She opens the door. 

“Jess, I’m really sorry, I—“

Jester is crying. 

Oh no. Oh no, nono _no_ —

Beau slams the door shut and rushes over, her wet clothes be damned, as she climbs onto the bed. Her throat feels as if it’s closing up with hurt over seeing Jester like this, small and so terribly sad, with her knees pulled up against her chest and her back against the hard wall. With a pang of guilt Beau wonders if this is how Jester sometimes spent time in her room alone, making herself as small as possible in all of the loneliness surrounding her. 

“Shit, I’m—Jess, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have run off like that. I just—“

Jester shakes her head and grabs Beau’s cold fingers, her eyes wide and pleading. 

“I’m really sorry, Beau“, she whispers. Beau blinks. 

“What? For what? I—“

“I’ve been a really terrible friend“, Jester says and Beau watches tear after tear streaming down her face. 

“No, you’re—what are you talking about? _I’m_ the terrible friend, I just ran off and—“

Jester hiccups slightly and in between all the horrible, gut wrenching feelings Beau experiences right now, Jester is still painfully adorable. And beautiful when she cries. Being in love has really done a number on her. 

“You’re my best friend“, Jester whispers. Beau wonders if it’s possible for your heart to expand and shrivel at the same time. 

“And I—I feel awful because I’ve been... I took advantage and I shouldn’t have—“

Beau blinks again. 

“What? Wait—no! That’s my line!“

Beau has no idea what’s going on right now but she takes Jester’s face in her cold, clammy hands and presses her forehead to Jester’s. 

“I didn’t mean to make you cry“, she says softly. 

They stay like that for a while and Beau lets Jester cry without speaking anymore even though she doesn’t understand what’s going on right now. Dammit. She wants to hug Jester, pull her close and pet her hair, gently brush away the tears and tell her that everything will be ok. 

But in this case Beau is the one who fucking caused the tears in the first place. 

“I didn’t want to scare you off“, Jester says, her voice so small in the silence around them. “It just—it felt so good kissing you and I didn’t want to stop. I just want to kiss you _all the time_ , I’ve never felt like this before, you know? And. And I know you’re my best friend and it’s not ok to have feelings like this for your best friend, but I can’t help it and I just—I just asked for more practice even though I don’t care about practicing anymore, I only. I—please don’t stop being my friend.“

_I just want to kiss you all the time, I’ve never felt like this before, you know?_

Yes. _Yes_ , Beau thinks. _This is how I feel._ But it’s not coming out of her mouth, it’s Jester saying it. Jester telling her that—

“What are you saying?“, Beau rasps. Her heart is pressing on her throat, which makes breathing an ordeal. Her fingers start caressing Jester’s face automatically to soothe her, or maybe to soothe herself. 

Jester’s eyes close for a second, then she looks up at Beau through wet lashes and Beau can see so much fear in her eyes. 

“I just wanted to kiss you because I—because I’m in love with you. I’m so sorr—“

Beau puts her hand over Jester’s mouth and she sees Jester’s eyes widen in confusion. 

“Oh my gods“, she rasps. “I ran away because I felt terrible for taking advantage of you. I thought I was—like... fuck. Preying on my best friend when all she wanted was to practice some kissing for the boy she likes.“

Jester’s eyes go wide and Beau hastily removes her hand. 

“What boy?“

Beau snorts. 

“Well, Fjord.“

“I don’t like him that way. I like... I like _you_ that way.“

Beau’s thoughts dissolve into a swarm of giddily dancing butterflies as she looks at Jester and the mess they’ve both made. Both thinking they were taking advantage of their best friend and feeling like shit about it but also unable to stop. 

“I’ve never been in love before“, Beau confesses. Jester opens her mouth and Beau is afraid that she hasn’t made it clear. “I’ve never felt like this for anyone. Only you.“

Jester’s face lights up. 

_There you are_ , Beau thinks happily. She feels light and reckless in the best way, like she could conquer the whole world as long as Jester is looking at her like this. Like Beau is the best thing she’s ever seen. Like being in love with Beau is a wonderful thing. 

“Can I just—fuck. Can I kiss you more now?“, she asks, her voice hoarse. She’s in love with Jester and it’s not awful because Jester is in love with her too. 

Jester is in love with her. 

“Yes please. More kissing“, Jester says and Beau laughs before she dives in to kiss Jester again. And this. This is the best kiss yet. Even though she’s soaked and freezing, the guilt is gone. And if Jester keeps kissing her like that, she might just stop feeling cold in a few seconds. 

“You should take all these wet clothes off“, Jester gasps against Beau’s lips and pulls on Beau’s shirt. Beau’s brain short circuits, but she complies. Her clothes never landed on the floor so quickly and she climbs under the blanket Jester holds up for her, before pressing against Jester’s wonderfully warm body. 

Beau can touch her, just like that. 

“You know. There’s still lots of things we need to practice“, Jester mumbles with a mischievous glint in her eyes. Beau grins. 

“Why, Miss Jessie, are you flirting with your teacher?“

Jester giggles and presses closer. 

“Flirting with my girlfriend“, she mumbles. 

Beau swallows. 

“Ok, yeah. Sounds—yeah. Ok.“

“And now stop talking. More kissing!“ 

Beau has never been happier to follow an order before.


End file.
